Parenting – how To Raise Esteemed Children
Surely all parents want the best for their children so that they can be equipped for life, but good intentions are not enough to ensure this outcome!
We want our children to be responsible and independent – but we force them to perform and even do their schoolwork for them.
We want them to be happy – but we dwell on their ‘mistakes’ and tell them that they can do better.
We want them to be respectful and courteous – but we talk down to them by criticizing, lecturing, distrusting and punishing them.
We want them to have concern for others – but we show a lack of concern for them by lecturing, reprimanding, scolding, shaming and using them as servants.
There is tremendous pressure on children of all ages to achieve: socially, academically and physically. If their home environment is secure and safe, it serves as a solid foundation on which they can explore, develop and built their own lives.
Parents can raise happy, confident children by focusing on the following few guidelines:
1. Parents need to be aware of their own unfulfilled dreams and challenges in order not to project it on their children. If you wanted, but did not have the chance to learn to play a musical instrument, do not assume that it is necessarily what your child wants. If you did not have the opportunity to go to university, do not assume that it is the only way to be successful in the secular world.
2. Make it your task to get to know your child. Find out what their favorite color, music, actor, movie, game, friend, family member, style, holiday destination etc is. Do not make assumptions about your child’s life, but ‘check in’ with him/her.
3. Everyone has something they dream about, something they fear and are anxious about and something they feel ashamed about. If there is a trusting relationship between you and your child, he / she will share their concerns willingly with you. And more importantly: you will then have the opportunity to guide your child through challenging situations.
4. Be aware of how you communicate. In dealing with our children, we need to remember that we are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion. By accepting children as they are, we open the door for them to enter and trust you with their joy, their shame and their hope.
Listen, listen, listen. See the following as a letter to you, coming from your child:
You are NOT LISTENING to me when…
You do not care about me;
You say you understand me before you know me well enough;
You have an answer for my problem before I’ve finished speaking;
You finish my sentence for me;
You are critical of my grammar, vocabulary and accent;
You tell me about your difficulties, making mine unimportant;
You are communicating to someone else in the room.
You ARE LISTENING when…
You come quietly into my private world and let me be;
You really try to understand me even if I’m not making sense;
You grasp my point even when it is against your own sincere conviction;
You allow me to dignity of making my own decisions even though you think they might be wrong;
You do not take my problem from me, but allow me to deal with it in my own way;
You hold back your desire to give me good advice;
You do not offer me religious solace when you sense that I am not ready for it;
You give me enough room to discover for myself what is going on.
5. Be happy! There exists no greater zone of safety and wellbeing than being raised in a happy home. Children might in their adult years, forget the healthy meals and clean house, but they will treasure the happy times they had with their parents. Pain in our lives are inevitable, but misery is a choice. Happiness is a choice.
6. Fathers and mothers might have different ideas about parenting; different styles (autocratic, democratic or liberal); differences in opinion about matters pertaining the running of the household or differences between themselves, and the way they manage these differences, has a significant impact on vulnerable children. A golden rule is to never, never disagree in front of- or within hearing distance of the children as far as disciplining them is concerned. These differences need to be addressed in private. Children need to see their parents as a united front in order to feel safe and emotionally secure and it will counteract them wanting to play parents off against each other.
The importance of being a responsible parent (opposed to a ‘good’ parent) raising emotionally healthy, responsible children cannot be overemphasized. The investment in children is a long term one and the benefits to be reaped, will last in old age, and beyond the grave.
El-marie van Heerden
Reach me at info@lifeworks.ae or 04-2245736
If you would like to talk, feel free to reach out to us. An LifeWorks therapist would be able to help.
Dr. Naeema Ali trained psychology and social worker students of UAE University. She is actively providing counselling support to cancer patients and their families. She launched an occupational therapy for cancer patients and cognitive behavioural therapy in Tawam.
Due to her continued support in oncology and ongoing support to cancer patients, Naeema received countless awards locally and international to recognize her achievements and skills. She has been invited to participate in various conferences and workshops around the world and invited as a guest speaker in various subjects that covers psychology.
She also joined Al Sayegh Medical Center as a Social Worker, providing comprehensive assessment and treatment services to children and families, in inpatient and/or outpatient settings, and communicates with referral sources as indicated by applying psychometric test, such as IQ Test, MMPI, Wechsler Test for children. Exhibit superior communication skills to uncover complicated mental health issues; develop and recommend treatment plans based on patient needs and diagnosis.
She continued working as a clinical psychologist providing counselling within the multi-cultural environment of the Emirates Airlines for the past 15 years. Her main task is providing mental health support to inflight and ground staff and addresses any problems, anxieties, or job-related stresses that they are dealing with. She uses her findings to help improve processes and behaviors of a patient to maintain a safe environment, to manage stress, overcome trauma, or avoid job-related conflicts. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the method Naeema is using to reduce the difficulties, anxieties, and stress that employee faces.
Naeema is also part of “ Shawer ”, the “Seek Our Advice”, and “We Listen To You” program of the Family Development Foundation of Abu Dhabi. The aim of the program was to promote family awareness and support a stable family life. It involves a group of community members who deal with family problems in a positive manner and provide individual and group counseling in social, psychological, and educational areas. They do so in a systematic way according to the needs of community members.
Besides “ Shawer ”, Naeema is also a volunteer of “ Friends of Cancer ” of Sharjah, supporting patients and their families to overcome the multitude psychological difficulties that they are experiencing due to cancer treatment as well as introducing some programs such as health education, self-care and some community programs wherein they can collaborate and share their experiences.
Area of interest:
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Psycho-oncology
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CBT
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Psychometric Assessments
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Children, Adults and Family therapy
Qualification and Membership:
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Psychology graduation from the University of Wisconsin
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Licensed by Community Development Authority
Dr. Mohammed Bardi M.B.B.S, M.D (Psychiatry) has worked under different capacities in clinical and hospital setups in Saudi, USA, and UAE. He comes with over 15 years of experience in mental health. He specifically worked with cases relating to schizophrenic, bipolar disorder, dual diagnosis, major depressive disorder with suicidal risks, anxiety disorders, Intellectual disabilities, Autistic spectrum disorders and attention deficit hyperactivity disorders (ADHD).
Area of interest:
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Mood disorders
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Anxiety disorders
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Improving life skills (social skills, self- esteem, decision making, coping with stress, problem solving, and time management)
Qualification and Membership:
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MBBS COLLEAGUE OF MEDICINE, KING SAUD UNIVERSITY 2003 (KKU).
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ARAB BOARD OF MEDICAL SPECIALTIES IN PSYCHIATRY 2007
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ANXIETY DISORDERS WORKSHOP (DIPLOMA), 2010
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ADDICTION FELLOWSHIP UCLA, USA, 2010-2011
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ADDICTION RESEARCH AND MATRIX TRAINING, ISAP, UCLA, LOS ANGELES, CA, USA 2014-2015
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BACHELOR’S DEGREE OF MEDICINE AND SURGERY
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ARAB BOARD OF MEDICAL SPECIALTIES IN PSYCHIATRY
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ADDICTION FELLOWSHIP UCLA 2011, 2015
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BETTY FORD CERTIFICATE, ADDICTION PROGRAM 2010
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CDA) Licensed Psychologist
Therapeutic Approach:
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At LifeWorks Holistic Counselling Center Dubai, Dr. Bardi works collaboratively within our expert multidisciplinary team, in treating a wide array of psychiatric conditions including:
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Anxiety disorders
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Substance use disorders
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Mood disorders including depression and Bipolar affective disorders
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Psychotic disorders (Schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders)
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Personality disorders
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Cognitive disorders including Dementia
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Learning disabilities (intellectual disability disorders)
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Child and adolescents’ disorders like Separation anxiety disorders, conduct
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disorders and ADHD