Unlocking Your Teenager: Tackling the Greys
In an earlier blog, we discussed about how communication is the key that unlocks your teenager. How it is important to listen, respond positively and share your own anxieties with them. However, despite their best efforts, there are bound to be instances in every parent’s life that take their words and breath away, when they are at a loss as to how to respond: the so-called grey areas where the line between the acceptable and unacceptable blur, and it looks as if all the good work that has so far been put in will be undone.
Imagine this. You are aware that your teenage daughter is sweet on a boy who used to be in her class. In fact she is quite comfortable discussing him with you. As a reasonable parent, you are aware that this is an inevitable part of growing up and treat it as such. They have hung out a few times with your permission, but always as part of a group. Today, however, she tells you that she wants to spend the day with him, at his place this time as his parents are away.
“Who else is going with you?” you ask cautiously.
“No one. It’s going to be just the two of us,” comes the hesitant reply. “Ryan is leaving Dubai soon, and he wants us to spend some time together…alone.”
Two eighteen-year-olds spending time alone has its implications. You can hear warning bells ringing in your head.
“But you know—”
“Mom, we love each other. I know he’s the one for me,” she says with finality.
As a parent, you are terrified. You understand what your daughter is talking about, but it is difficult for you to accept. A hundred worries come to mind. “Is he a good person?” you wonder. “My daughter is still a child; is he right for her?What if she is under pressure – from him or their friends?” If you belong to a collectivist culture where premarital intimacy is frowned upon, there are additional worries. You also wonder how this is going to affect her life, her standing in the extended family and society.
However, your overarching concern remains her well-being. You strongly believe that she is not emotionally ready for such a commitment, and you want to protect her from the consequences.
It is, however, not easy to communicate that to your child. “At this point, the last thing you want to do is to make a false move, which will make her clam up or become hostile,” says Ms Jyotika Aggarwal, Clinical Psychologist with LifeWorks Holistic Counseling Center, Dubai. “Understand that at that age, their hormones are raging. They are just discovering themselves and their body, finding love, and building relationships that may or may not last in the long run. A desire to be accepted and loved by a partner, which also involves intimacy, is normal.”
That said, as a parent, it is also your duty to have a conversation with her about the seriousness of the step she is about to undertake. “Take a deep breath, sit down, and buy time. Allow yourself to think and formulate a reasonable response. It’sbetter to take a little time than to blurt out your anxieties,” advises Ms Aggarwal. “Ask for glass of water, sip it slowly, think fast and hard. An impulsive response, like getting outraged or dismissing her request as silly or impossible, can break the fragile bond of communication that you have worked hard to establish. After all, she trusts you enough to be honest with you. Next time she may not, which will be infinitely worse.”
“Be considerate and empathetic. Validate her emotions. Tell her you understand she is in love, and that you are happy for her,” continues Ms Aggarwal.“Talk to her about what it means to her, what she feelsabout this step.Ask her if this is what she wants. Give her the option ofmaybe waiting a little more before going all the way. Speak to her about the implications of the step she is about to take. But do it rationally, and not in an emotional, judgemental manner.”
“Teenagers are often extremely insecure. It is possible that your daughter is worried that if she refuses him, he may leave her. Assure her that it need not be so, and ask her to speak to him. Empower her.”
Ms Aggarwal advises against you speaking directly to the boy. “Unless you sense that he poses some kind of threat or harm to your daughter, don’t intervene. Guide her, but give her the chance to handle the situation in her own way. The fact that you trust her enough to do that will make her think better of herself and you, and give her the confidence she needs.”
Being reasonable, empathetic and considerate can go along way in any situation, but more so when handling such delicate situations with your teenager. Easier said than done, of course. But then, whoever said being a parent is easy?
If you would like to talk, feel free to reach out to us. An LifeWorks therapist would be able to help.
Dr. Naeema Ali trained psychology and social worker students of UAE University. She is actively providing counselling support to cancer patients and their families. She launched an occupational therapy for cancer patients and cognitive behavioural therapy in Tawam.
Due to her continued support in oncology and ongoing support to cancer patients, Naeema received countless awards locally and international to recognize her achievements and skills. She has been invited to participate in various conferences and workshops around the world and invited as a guest speaker in various subjects that covers psychology.
She also joined Al Sayegh Medical Center as a Social Worker, providing comprehensive assessment and treatment services to children and families, in inpatient and/or outpatient settings, and communicates with referral sources as indicated by applying psychometric test, such as IQ Test, MMPI, Wechsler Test for children. Exhibit superior communication skills to uncover complicated mental health issues; develop and recommend treatment plans based on patient needs and diagnosis.
She continued working as a clinical psychologist providing counselling within the multi-cultural environment of the Emirates Airlines for the past 15 years. Her main task is providing mental health support to inflight and ground staff and addresses any problems, anxieties, or job-related stresses that they are dealing with. She uses her findings to help improve processes and behaviors of a patient to maintain a safe environment, to manage stress, overcome trauma, or avoid job-related conflicts. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the method Naeema is using to reduce the difficulties, anxieties, and stress that employee faces.
Naeema is also part of “ Shawer ”, the “Seek Our Advice”, and “We Listen To You” program of the Family Development Foundation of Abu Dhabi. The aim of the program was to promote family awareness and support a stable family life. It involves a group of community members who deal with family problems in a positive manner and provide individual and group counseling in social, psychological, and educational areas. They do so in a systematic way according to the needs of community members.
Besides “ Shawer ”, Naeema is also a volunteer of “ Friends of Cancer ” of Sharjah, supporting patients and their families to overcome the multitude psychological difficulties that they are experiencing due to cancer treatment as well as introducing some programs such as health education, self-care and some community programs wherein they can collaborate and share their experiences.
Area of interest:
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Psycho-oncology
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CBT
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Psychometric Assessments
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Children, Adults and Family therapy
Qualification and Membership:
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Psychology graduation from the University of Wisconsin
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Licensed by Community Development Authority
Dr. Mohammed Bardi M.B.B.S, M.D (Psychiatry) has worked under different capacities in clinical and hospital setups in Saudi, USA, and UAE. He comes with over 15 years of experience in mental health. He specifically worked with cases relating to schizophrenic, bipolar disorder, dual diagnosis, major depressive disorder with suicidal risks, anxiety disorders, Intellectual disabilities, Autistic spectrum disorders and attention deficit hyperactivity disorders (ADHD).
Area of interest:
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Mood disorders
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Anxiety disorders
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Improving life skills (social skills, self- esteem, decision making, coping with stress, problem solving, and time management)
Qualification and Membership:
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MBBS COLLEAGUE OF MEDICINE, KING SAUD UNIVERSITY 2003 (KKU).
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ARAB BOARD OF MEDICAL SPECIALTIES IN PSYCHIATRY 2007
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ANXIETY DISORDERS WORKSHOP (DIPLOMA), 2010
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ADDICTION FELLOWSHIP UCLA, USA, 2010-2011
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ADDICTION RESEARCH AND MATRIX TRAINING, ISAP, UCLA, LOS ANGELES, CA, USA 2014-2015
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BACHELOR’S DEGREE OF MEDICINE AND SURGERY
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ARAB BOARD OF MEDICAL SPECIALTIES IN PSYCHIATRY
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ADDICTION FELLOWSHIP UCLA 2011, 2015
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BETTY FORD CERTIFICATE, ADDICTION PROGRAM 2010
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CDA) Licensed Psychologist
Therapeutic Approach:
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At LifeWorks Holistic Counselling Center Dubai, Dr. Bardi works collaboratively within our expert multidisciplinary team, in treating a wide array of psychiatric conditions including:
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Anxiety disorders
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Substance use disorders
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Mood disorders including depression and Bipolar affective disorders
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Psychotic disorders (Schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders)
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Personality disorders
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Cognitive disorders including Dementia
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Learning disabilities (intellectual disability disorders)
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Child and adolescents’ disorders like Separation anxiety disorders, conduct
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disorders and ADHD